Mismatched libido in a relationship: when one partner wants sex more often

Different levels of sexual desire do not, by themselves, mean your relationship is failing or that either of you has a disorder. What matters is how the difference affects each of you. Can you talk about it? Is saying no respected? Is either of you distressed and finding it difficult to cope? The European Society for Sexual Medicine recommends considering desire differences within the couple, rather than automatically treating the partner with less desire as the person who needs treatment [1].

This article provides general information. It cannot establish the cause of a sexual difficulty or replace an individual consultation.

Is there a right amount of sex?

There is no set frequency that every couple should aim for. What suits both of you may differ from your friends' experiences or from an earlier stage of your relationship. Frequency alone also tells you little about whether sex is wanted and satisfying [2].

Instead of deciding who wants “too much” or “too little”, try naming the particular difficulty. For example, “I miss you initiating sometimes” means something different from “I would like us to have sex more often”. Similarly, “I don't want sex late at night when I'm falling asleep” is different from “I don't enjoy that kind of touch”.

Avoid deciding in advance who must have the higher desire based on gender. The starting point is each person's experience, rather than a script about how a couple is supposed to behave.

Does desire always have to appear spontaneously?

Sometimes you feel desire before any contact with your partner. At other times, it develops in response to enjoyable, wanted closeness. The latter is known as responsive desire. An absence of spontaneous desire does not necessarily mean that someone cannot experience desire [3].

This is not advice to start having sex despite reluctance. “I'd enjoy kissing and seeing how I feel” differs from “I'll agree so there won't be an argument”. Agreeing to one activity does not commit you to another, and you can change your mind at any point. A lack of resistance does not establish that contact is freely wanted [4].

When talking about sex becomes another argument

Imagine this situation: one partner suggests sex and the other declines. “You don't want me any more” is met with “That's all you ever think about”. The following evening, the first partner avoids initiating to avoid another refusal. The other avoids a cuddle, worried that it will be taken as an invitation to sex.

This is an example, not a description of every couple. But in this conversation, each person's actual experience becomes harder to hear. Assumptions take its place: “You don't care” or “You're trying to pressure me”. If you recognise similar exchanges around other subjects, see our article on repeated arguments in a relationship.

How can you start talking about different needs?

The wording below is intended as a starting point to adapt, not an exercise designed to lead to sex. You might arrange to talk when neither person is initiating and no immediate decision about sexual contact is needed.

Describe your experience rather than judging your partner

Instead of “You're never interested”, you could try: “I miss our sexual relationship. I'd like to understand how you feel about it now”. Someone feeling under pressure might say: “I'd like to be able to cuddle you without having to decide about sex straight away”.

Questions you could consider include:

• Which kinds of touch feel enjoyable at the moment, and which do you not want?
• How do you notice sexual desire in yourself?
• What would you like me to understand when you say no?
• Is there something you find difficult to tell me because you are worried about my reaction?

You do not need to answer everything in one evening. “I don't know how to describe it yet” is also an answer.

Be clear about what you are inviting each other to do

“Would you like to lie together for a while? I only mean a cuddle” is clearer than testing how far touch might go. Equally, “I don't want sex today” is not a promise for tomorrow. If you both want to set aside time together, clarify whether you mean conversation, affection or the possibility of sexual contact. No arrangement removes the right to decline [4].

Vowels and Mark's study described different responses to desire differences, including talking and shared activities. It was observational: it does not prove that a particular approach will resolve every couple's difficulty [5]. You can revisit your own arrangements to ask whether they work for both of you, rather than checking whether someone has “completed” them.

What else can affect libido?

Stress, depression, changes associated with pregnancy or menopause, certain health conditions and medicines can affect sexual desire. Sexual difficulties such as vaginal dryness or erection problems may also play a part. If a change in libido worries you, or you think it may be linked to medication or hormonal contraception, speak to a doctor rather than stopping treatment yourself [6].

You could bring a short note to your appointment: when you noticed the change, whether it occurs in all situations, whether there is pain and which medicines you take. You do not need to decide beforehand whether the cause is “psychological” or “physical”.

A sexology consultation or couples therapy?

When your sexual relationship is the main concern

A couples sexology consultation is a joint appointment. It can be a starting point for discussing different levels of desire, an absence of sex or tension around initiating and declining. You do not have to agree on a single explanation beforehand.

When you want to begin on your own

An individual sexology consultation gives you space to discuss your own desire, boundaries or difficulties. Your partner does not have to attend. The appointment is not intended to diagnose an absent partner or find ways to persuade them to have sex.

When sex is one of several difficult subjects

If you are also facing recurring disagreements about everyday life, a loss of trust or emotional distance, couples therapy may be a starting point. At Oddech, it is available in English as well as Polish. You can read about the appointment in What happens in couples therapy? Your first session, step by step.

An appointment with a psychologist does not include a physical examination or prescribing medication, and does not replace a medical assessment where one is needed. You can find the author's qualifications and areas of work on Karolina Zawrotniak's profile.

When saying no feels unsafe

If you fear threats, violence or consequences for refusing sex, do not treat the situation as a task in negotiating different needs. Seek individual support from a domestic abuse service rather than attempting the joint conversations suggested in this article.

In Poland, you can call Niebieska Linia on 800 120 002, a free, 24-hour domestic abuse helpline. For an immediate threat to life or health, call 112. Check Niebieska Linia's service information for language availability.

Sources

• 1. Dewitte M. et al. (2020). Sexual Desire Discrepancy: A Position Statement of the European Society for Sexual Medicine. Sexual Medicine, 8, 121–131. An expert position statement whose authors acknowledge limited research on treating desire discrepancies.
• 2. ISSM. What is the “normal” frequency of sex?
• 3. ISSM. What Is Responsive Sexual Desire?
• 4. RAINN. Consent 101: Respect, Boundaries, and Building Trust.
• 5. Vowels L. M., Mark K. P. (2020). Strategies for Mitigating Sexual Desire Discrepancy in Relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 49, 1017–1028.
• 6. NHS. Low sex drive (loss of libido).